matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
