How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
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She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
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It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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