i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Randomize
