...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
