I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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