my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
