Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
