So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
