PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Randomize
