after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
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