is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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