You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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