Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
