that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
