Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
