Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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