I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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