Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
