im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
