dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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