Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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