i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
