remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
