yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
