A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
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