I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
