he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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