I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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