I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
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You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
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rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
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