My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
