The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
