it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
