She is in my trunk
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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