she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Randomize
