I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
