I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
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ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
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She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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