Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
