Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
It's rum buckets o'clock
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
