Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
