you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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