Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
