i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
