yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
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Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Please don't give away my fajitas
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