I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
