dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
