Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
