im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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