Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
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