I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Randomize
