i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
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