I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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