I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
