I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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