I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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