no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Holy shit dude........stairs
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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